"How come you don't drink?"

Of all the questions I've been asked during my adult life, the one about why I don't drink is either at or near the top (though 日本語を話せますか [Nihongo o hanasemasuka, or "Do you speak Japanese?"] is closing quickly). I'm not put off by it as, in general, it's asked more out of curiosity than malice. It does make me something of a odd duck -- not only am I among the 15 percent of American males who report never having consumed alcohol, but my not drinking flies in the face of the stereotype of an expat journalist. My people are commonly associated with heavy drinking and smoking, occasional drug use, and general irascibility, none behaviors in which I partake.

How am I doing?

Read this, all the way through.

Then watch this, all the way through.



You'll get a pretty accurate picture of my current state.

The Germans are coming....

And this time they're... nice?

A pause that refreshes

You might have noticed a slowdown in posting here. The summer semester -- in which we cram 13 weeks of material into eight weeks -- is every bit as hectic as I feared. I'm never taking a language course in the summer again if I can help it.

In the meantime, here's three Ireland fans singing in a French train station. Enjoy. (HT Chris Jones)

You are a fluke of the universe

And whether you can hear it or, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Those wacky Norwegians

Enjoying winter? Not as much as this guy.

A holiday playlist for the rest of us

It's Christmas again, that time of year when the shmaltz is turned up to 11 and songs dripping with seasonal sentiment are as difficult to escape as marketing for the new Star Wars movie. If, like me, sentimentality isn't your strong suit, here's a playlist to help get you through the last day of the Christmas season and keep you safe until Halloween 2016, when the drumbeat from the North Pole begins anew.

Happy hunting

Ghosts? Goblins? Vampires? Bah. If you want to fear something this Halloween season, fear the animal revolution. Animals exist, unlike those first three, and they're tired of all this human nonsense.

In which I disown some former homes

Not having been in the country for a while, I'm out of practice when it comes to celebrating Halloween -- or at least marking the occasion with more than watching a horror movie or two. Nevertheless, I was still interested when I saw the results of a recent poll of each state's favorite Halloween candy.

All the usual caveats about online surveys apply, obviously -- questions about a self-selecting user base, representative samples, what questions were asked and in which order, etc. Even so, it makes for a quick, fun read. Some of the main takeaways are:

Local TV news at its finest

Who says bowling isn't a contact sport?

I sound like An Old

I am a fairly private person. Yes, I make the occasional appearance on social media or podcasts, but for the most part I don't enjoy putting myself out there. I don't particularly like talking about myself, and pictures of me on the internet are hard to find.

This is by design. I enjoy my solitude, and this whole internet culture of documenting everything with one's smartphone and immediately uploading it to Twitter, Instagram and Facebook just leaves me cold. Human memory is fallible, I know, but is the ability to watch a video you'll probably forget about days after the fact worth seeing some of the most enjoyable moments of your life through a viewfinder rather than your own eyes?

Feathering one's nest

Hang around the UAE long enough and you start noticing some trends. First and foremost, the whole "at least it's a dry heat" thing doesn't fly here -- being so close to the ocean means you get all the heat and humidity you can stand. The local soccer league has kicked off games with temperatures in the mid- to high 90s and 70 percent humidity. Not surprisingly, attendances are even lower than usual.

Another thing is how often words such as "exclusive", "ambition" and "prestige" are thrown around, especially in the retail and financial sectors. There's one level of basic service for the hoi polloi but, if you're willing and able to pay a bit extra, you suddenly get upgraded from Number To Be Served to a Valued Priority Customer. I got a snootful of this on Day 1 here -- there was a long line for the medical exams you have to undergo before receiving a residence visa, but because I and another white Westerner each stumped up 200 dirhams (about $50), we were ushered to the front of the line. As one who considers himself Not That Special as a matter of policy, being plopped in front of a queue of South Asian-looking men who were already there waiting patiently was absolutely mortifying. (To their credit, if this sudden display of #WPR put them off, they didn't show it outwardly.)

This two-tier system appears to be the way of the future. There's the high-end market, who want and can afford the best, and then there's everyone else. With the American middle class increasingly being hollowed out by job losses and economic shifts, it seems as though there isn't much of a middle ground on which to stand anymore. It's Dollar Store or Dolce & Gabbana, Shopko or Chanel. Just look at the airline industry for an example. Economy-class passengers are packed in like sardines, treated almost like nuisances by the airlines and told to be grateful for what service they do receive. Step up to business or first class, though, and suddenly the airlines can't do enough for you. A drink before take-off, served by your Personal Food and Beverage Consultant? But of course. Chauffeur service to and from the airport? Happy to assist. A luxury lounge with free food, drinks and wi-fi? Right this way, valued customer. Membership clearly has its privileges, as I can personally attest, but it's hard not to feel uneasy about being waited on hand and foot while others are treated like those who rode steerage on the Titanic.

This is how you do a political ad BETTER

No celebrity endorsements, no Steve Martin or Joss Whedon pushing their preferred candidates.

Just one Canadian man, a dream -- and a green screen.

BEHOLD.



Canada gets this guy, and Americans have to settle for Donald Trump? There's no justice, I tells ya.

Do you even sports, bro?

So it finally happened. Brian Brushwood, friend of the family and all-around good egg, has finally cut a commercial that speaks to me, Sports Guy.

Well played, Brian.

Russian Navy Seals

Does what it says on the tin.

Happy Easter, everyone

There's nothing quite like hearing the story of Jesus in the original Spanish.

Another for all the dog people

I am usually loath to celebrate wasting food, but for this, I'll make an exception.

One for all the dog people

Watch this one with your canine friends. It's fun for the whole gang.

Nature taking its course

In a dance as old as time....

Silk purse from a sow's ear

For your consideration, a couple gems pointed my way by the good people over at Night Attack.

First off, someone created a program that will take your tweets and craft them into poetry -- cleverly titled Poetweet. As those paying attention will attest, my social media usage during the past month has been dominated by the Asian Cup down in Australia, and to a lesser extent the African Cup of Nations. It can hardly be a surprise, then, that this site took my twitterings and spat out this little gem, a rondel titled "Before halftime":

OK up until watching that hot mess.
For now, time for celebrations.
Beset by injuries & illness.
People's world to its foundations.

Suave, continental bearing.
Some sort of horrible pejorative.
America = terrorism. Or something.
Diversity. Not mutually exclusive.

I'd take that in a heartbeat.
Equally to the rest of the state.
Iraq in the final would be great.
1. That's a curious exchange rate.
Iraq foul, lather, rinse, repeat.

Try it for yourself -- it's fun! If you don't have a Twitter account, use one of someone you find entertaining, such as Elon Musk or The Iron Sheik.

Below the jump, a disturbingly accurate summation of much of my childhood.