There is clearly something wrong with me

I am 35 years old. As of a little bit ago, I have moved house for the 26th time during my time on this planet. My memory might be a little shaky at the start, but I'm pretty sure this list is accurate.

Sports and politics, joined at the hip

Make no mistake – for all the rhetoric about how they should never interfere with one another, sports and politics are inextricably linked. Even former International Olympic Committee president Juan Antonio Samaranch admits as much. Whether for good or ill, there will always be political entities who prioritize promoting their worldview or policies over competition, fair play, and other Corinthian values. People mewling about how sporting events and political protests don't mix clearly have no sense of history, whether out of ignorance or willful blindness.

The wild, wild East

People ask me why I prefer living and working overseas. "Why not stay here," they ask,"find a nice part of the country and cover football?" My reasons are plentiful -- I've lived in the United States for more than 25 years, there are vast swathes of the Earth I haven't seen, newspaper jobs are increasingly scarce here, American football doesn't interest me that much, etc. One of the reasons I didn't know until I left the country was that there are some types of stories you just don't get in the developed world.

For example, Malaysian soccer authorities are offering fans a bounty to catch their fellow supporters misbehaving at the upcoming FA Cup final.

The FAM said supporters would be given 1,000 Malaysian Ringgit ($320) for their 'policework' during the showpiece final between Kelantan and Johor Darul Takzim at the National Stadium on June 29. 

"We have decided to take a different, and positive, approach to preventing crowd trouble during the Cup final," FAM competitions committee chairman Hamidin Mohd Amin was quoted as saying by Malaysian media on Friday. 

Johor's semi-final second leg against Pahang was abandoned due to crowd trouble, while Kelantan were fined 40,000 Ringgit last year after their fans caused a long delay to a Cup match when they threw bottles on to the field.

Rat out your friends and neighbors for fun and profit! Another outstanding idea by the FAM, which always does what's in the best interest of Malaysian soccer and in no way has a problem with accepting criticism. Nope, none whatsoever.

There is some overlap in these stories, of course. Among the most notable is the increasing prevalence of European clubs flocking to Asia and North America in search of new revenue streams their adoring fans.

The summer of Indonesia?

Stop me if you've heard this one. A big European club announces it's going to visit Indonesia, cites the country's huge fan base and love of soccer, promises it'll bring its best squad and makes positive noises about starting an academy in the country. Sound familiar? Well, you can add Chelsea to the conga line of European clubs hoping to exploit tap into Indonesia's love of the beautiful game.

Chelsea will follow on the heels of English Premier League foe Arsenal as the second big-time club from England’s top flight to play in the capital this year, with the match scheduled for July 25.

Sponsored by lender Bank Negara Indonesia, the 2012 European Champions League winner will face the Indonesia All Stars, a team that will be selected by BNI customers via a poll starting today.

“We are very pleased to announce this historic fixture — Chelsea’s first game in Indonesia,” club CEO Ron Gourlay told a press conference in Jakarta on Thursday.

“We know there is huge support for the team in the country. The fan [base] here is enormous. A figure of over 2 million fans in Indonesia on our Facebook page demonstrates that, and we are delighted our supporters will have the chance to watch us play in Jakarta.”

The London rivals could be just part of the cavalcade of stars passing through Gelora Bung Karno this summer, though. If you believe Wikipedia, the Internet's most unimpeachable source, fans in Indonesia could find their wallets tapped out long before Ramadan ends on August 7.

Hands across the sea

Regardless of the playing staff's struggles on the field, you have to give Arsenal credit for its confidence as an organization. The Gunners have announced their intention to tour Indonesia in July, returning to the archipelago for the first time in 31 years after visiting China and Malaysia to kick off recent seasons. Arsenal's visit would add to Indonesia's growing stature as a destination for European clubs. Queen's Park Rangers, Inter Milan and Valencia played friendlies in Indonesia last year, and the likes of Arsenal, Liverpool, Manchester United, Real Madrid, Barcelona, Inter and Boca Juniors have either expressed interest in or started youth academies in the country.

But does Arsenal really know what it's getting into in Indonesia? The tour is obviously a money grab and marketing ploy -- only the most credulous of Gooners would swallow the official club line about "giving our loyal fans the chance to see their heroes in action" -- and no doubt Arsenal hopes to tap into the country's deep love of football. Don't whip out the checkbook and block off July 14 on your calendar yet, though. For one thing, proposed friendlies have a tendency to vanish almost as frequently as they arise. Consider this succession of cancellations just in the last six months.

• Espanyol B (Sept. 5)
• North Korea (Sept. 8)
• Thailand (Oct. 16)
• Sudan (Nov. 14)
• The Philippines (Sept. 15)
• Everton and Galatasaray (Java Cup, July 26-29)
• United Arab Emirates (Feb. 1)
• Jordan (Jan. 31)

More of the same

Taking a brief look back at my old stomping grounds, I see not much has changed in Indonesia. Good governance is as fleeting as ever, with cheap and easy populism filling the (many) gaps left by the absence of real, decisive leadership. Multinational corporations say the investment and business climate in Indonesia is increasingly hostile and, with incidents like government ministers trying to dictate private firms' activities and state-owned enterprises hoovering up what's left over when foreign companies get chased off, it's hard to argue.

Having been the darling of foreign investors and business pundits for the past couple of years, Indonesia is now finding that some of its biggest and longest-term investors, especially in the energy sector, are growing fed up with policy shifts and the climate of hostility toward multinational companies.

With the mining and energy minister having said recently that ExxonMobil's local CEO would be turfed out of the country over a stalled asset sale, executives say they are confused and worried over the future here and are concerned about speaking out for fear they will be forced to follow him out.

The growing intimidation of multinationals operating in the country prompted Chevron Indonesia Thursday to warn the nation's interim upstream oil and gas regulator that the deteriorating investment climate could lead to lower future investment by the company, which has been operating in Indonesia since 1952 and is the country's largest oil and gas producer.

It's nationalistic behavior like this that sees business stories about the big picture in Indonesia listing almost as many caveats as reasons for optimism.

Not to be outdone, Indonesia's soccer shemozzle continues unabated. The country's favorite sport has been in turmoil for more than two years as rival factions jostle for control, paying little heed to the steady downward trend of Indonesia's success in Asian and international competition. The latest twist is that the newly installed youth and sports minister has threatened to disband both rival factions if they fail to meet FIFA's latest toothless deadline.

Soccer in the southeast Asian country has been long plagued by infighting between the Indonesian Soccer Association (PSSI) and the breakaway Indonesian Soccer Rescue Committee (KPSI), with FIFA threatening to suspend them if the dispute was not resolved by Dec. 10.

But Indonesia somehow dodged a ban and were given a three month extension to resolve the fight for power after emergency talks involving soccer's world governing body and the Asian Football Confederation.

Roy Suriyo, who was appointed as the country's new youth and sports minister on Tuesday, was confident of solving the bitter feud before the FIFA deadline, the Jakarta Globe said in a report.

"FIFA has given us a deadline of March 16. So, we have to solve the problems by then," Suriyo told the newspaper. "I have neither interests nor attachment to the ... PSSI and KPSI. So, God willing, I will solve it."

Looks like Roy already has a good grasp of public grandstanding, one of the most crucial skills for any Indonesian official. Much like predecessors Andi Mallarangeng -- who left the job in December while being investigated for corruption -- and Adhyaksa Dault, the new guy is in the job far more for his connections to President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono's Democratic Party than his ability with youth or sports.

Don't expect much to change under Roy's watch. The PSSI and KPSI -- not to mention their respective sugar daddies -- have deep divisions that extend far beyond the sporting arena. If either side had the best interests of the sport or the Indonesian people in mind, they would have come to the table and worked out a deal long ago. Instead, the status quo will remain firmly in place. FIFA has shown no interest in forcing the issue in Indonesia, but rest assured it will ride in with guns blazing should Roy or SBY do anything that resembles "government interference." Of course, if you ask some people, that might all be for the best.

Below the line

Have I mentioned lately how much I love the commenters on the Jakarta Globe's website? With only a very few exceptions, my policy on comment sections is "that way madness lies," but bless those Globe commenters for being a shining counterexample.

The Globe commentariat has previous in eviscerating substandard and/or outright wrong-headed editorial stances, such as the newspaper's support for an anti-porn task force and its siding with Islamic radicals in the Lady Gaga Saga. Now we have Peter F. Gontha -- Globe publisher, former Suharto lamprey and admitted crony capitalist -- throwing a fit about Jakarta's new deputy governor daring to check his BlackBerry during their meeting, in which Pak Gontha suggested easing the capital's traffic by restricting access to some roads to vehicles of certain colors, an old idea which has been dismissed by the publisher's own newspaper.

I couldn't blame you if you skipped the article itself -- it's full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, as per usual -- but please do read through the comments. The response to Gontha's kvetching is energetic, to say the least. An example:

Quite apart from the appalling arrogance of the first paragraph the lead in to the third leaves one in awe of this mans audacity.
"I am fully aware that I am no expert in city planning, or an expert in overcoming transportation problems. But as a resident of the city, I feel called to contribute to progress." By Whom?
If you are aware of your inadequacy in this area then stick to what you know and you will not get the short shrift out of a very busy officials office for wasting his time.
"noble intention of meeting with his deputy governor" Your Deputy Governor? Who do you think you are?
This sort of statement epitomizes the elitist arrogance that is one of the contributing factors to the state this country is in. Someone who thinks he has a right to interfere in an areas he professes himself to know nothing about, but wants to meddle anyway because he thinks he is rich and should be listened to.
Perhaps the whole thing was to teach you lesson in humility. Epic Fail....

The whole episode does not reflect well on someone who fancies himself the Donald Trump of Indonesia. Still, perhaps Pak Gontha does deserve some sympathy. A man of his wealth and political connections gets used to being treated with reverence and fear -- especially at the Globe, given his mixed record of success with English-language publications -- and finding out that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around you can be quite a shock to the system. Of course, it's a shock most of us experience and get over in our teens or early 20s.

No laughing matter

Just when Indonesian politics started to not seem so horrifying, some knucklehead had to go and open his big yapper.

Solo Mayor Joko Widodo was officially declared the winner on Friday of the race to be Jakarta's next governor, kicking incumbent Fauzi Bowo to the curb despite the latter's supporters openly and frequently playing up racial and religious fears. That Joko was able to win as a Jakarta outsider and with an ethnic Chinese Christian as his running mate briefly raised hopes that politics in Indonesia could be more about picking the best candidate than which one looks and prays like the most people -- the staid Economist called the win "a triumph for tolerance and civilised values."

Enter comedian-turned-lawmaker Dedi Gumelar. He says the plan to eliminate science and social studies from the national elementary school curriculum is a jim-dandy idea. His stance is odd in that on one hand he bemoans the current curriculum as being modeled after "the West" (whatever that means), yet on the other he suggests embracing the system of Indonesia's former colonial masters.

Dedi said Indonesia should go back to the education system adopted during Dutch colonial rule and shortly after independence, when elementary school students were only taught basic education.

“In kindergarten, learning how to count and read should be prohibited because that’s the time to play and know nature empirically,” Dedi said. “It is easy to teach children to be smart but we should teach children how to be right.”

The Ministry of Education and Culture on Thursday announced that science and social science will be taken out of the elementary school’s curriculum next year to provide children with less school time.

The ministry said that the new curriculum would emphasize basic mathematics, the Indonesian language, religious studies and patriotism.

So colonial Dutch education - science - social studies + religion + patriotism = profits? Or is that prophets?

Even coming from a PDI-P acolyte, this is bizarre. One of the most common refrains as Indonesia tries to assume what the chestier nationalists say is its rightful place on the world stage is the need to make the country more competitive. Demographic heft will only take a country so far, as India is learning rather swiftly, and a steady stream of mixed signals has foreign investors unsure what to make of Indonesia.

Improving infrastructure is high on the to-do list, of course. It has to be, what with it being cheaper to ship to Jakarta from Singapore than Padang and oranges from China being cheaper in Indonesia than those from Medan. Roads and ports are only one part of the story, though.

Still, infrastructure is but one element; technological readiness is another. Indonesia is not sourcing enough technological advances domestically, and is adding too little value to raw materials. While this is an issue in the short run, Indonesia can always adopt technological innovations from foreign companies through FDI. The Harvard Kennedy School Indonesia Program has found that Indonesia needs to integrate into global supply chains for the same reason, as such networks are often coordinated at each level by multinationals willing to share their efficient production methods in order to reduce costs. This is particularly the case with regard to technological capacity, which is required in all export sectors to develop efficient production methods and reduce costs in a highly competitive global market. For technological competitiveness, the WEF Global Competitiveness Report ranks Indonesia 91st out of 139 countries. Of all of the relevant rankings, this is the country’s worst result.

The third criterion mentioned above is human capital. The low levels of skills and training for workers in Indonesia constrains the production of competitive exports. Indonesia is ranked 66th for higher education and training, and although it has achieved much success in improving enrollment rates at every level of education, it has focused on quantity (fueled by an education-for-all policy) while many people believe overall quality is declining. A lack of investment in tertiary education means the qualifications that the economy needs — science and engineering programs in particular, which are also the most expensive to teach — are in short supply. This is at a time when China is producing 300,000 engineering graduates a year. [Emphasis mine -- ed.]

That's right: In a world where science, technology, engineering and mathematics are taking on ever-greater importance -- and in which Indonesia's leading research institute employs three support staff for every actual scientist -- this bunch of yutzes wants to handicap future generations while whipping more religion and patriotism on them. What's that, G.K. -- something about refuges and scoundrels? I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Or is it? Sure, this could be another case of the authorities bumbling into a new program with no thought beforehand -- it would hardly be the first time -- but after all, isn't the definition of a gaffe when a politician utters some truth he isn't supposed to say? Looking back on the Dutch colonial era, the education system appeared to be by the elite and for the elite, with the local population divided by race and socioeconomic status while being kept to the margins. Now, who would benefit from an obsequious, oblivious populace that loves Allah, loves their country and doesn't ask too many questions? Certainly not Dedi and his fellow elites at the House of Representatives -- the same vampires who are trying to suck the life out from the only institution making headway in fighting corruption, the same institution that's jailed 40 current or former House members with still more in the hopper. Certainly not the same elites who keep demanding more pay and more perks as they do less and less legislating and fling blame at everyone but themselves when they're called out for their misdeeds.

But let's not get sidetracked. FSM knows political foofery will be around for quite some time yet. Eliminating science from elementary schools not only leaves millions of Indonesian children disadvantaged, it also sells science education short. At that age, science isn't about cramming arcane facts, figures and formulas into malleable little brains -- it's about instilling, as Bill Nye puts it, the passion, beauty and joy of science. It's about helping kids wonder about and question the world around them, so that even if they don't turn into the "physicists and mathematical geniuses" at whom Pak Dedi sniffs, they'll still have the ability and confidence to think for themselves the next time some doom-mongering politician or slimy official tries to lead them a merry dance.

Global perspective

It's been almost a month since a series of events conspired to usher me out of the Jakarta Globe. I'm still pretty narked off about the whole thing, but that's not the purpose of this post. There are some pictures floating around my desktop that I want to post -- some of them even contain people. The shots are somewhat large, so I've left them after the jump.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

What a farce this has been. The last 36 hours have reminded me with full, gory detail of all the things I can't stand about Indonesia.

The HR people at Globe Towers get me my passport at 4 p.m. the day before I leave -- too late to do anything like mail boxes of books or close a bank account. That night, the refrigerator conks out. This morning, the air conditioning unit in the bedroom springs a mighty leak, and on top of that my phone ceases to function. Not a great start but, to quote Brendon Burns, it gets so much worse.

Armed with my last paycheck (converted to rupiah without even asking me) and a passport featuring a snazzy new exit-only permit, I go to HSBC the next morning to close my bank account and transfer that money back to an account in the US. You'd think I asked them to sing the entire score of "H.M.S. Pinafore." What I thought would take an hour or 90 minutes at the most ended up taking five hours (11:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.) -- so long that the doors were shut and the office boys going home before I actually got my passport back and the account closed. Five hours, 14 different documents to be signed and an innumerable amount of "sorry Meesters" and sheepish grins. "Sorry Meester, but your signature is not an exact match to your passport." "Sorry Meester, but you need to sign a statement document in case any payments you make get returned and you complain about the money." "Sorry Meester, but the Transactions Department has not processed your requests so we cannot close your account yet." In my four years in Jakarta, dealing with that was the closest I'd ever come to truly Getting White and doing something awful.

Needless to say, this took what semblance of a plan I had for my last day in Jakarta and obliterated it. I didn't even get back to the apartment until 5 p.m. and had what I thought was a 10 p.m. flight bearing down on me. Some sweeping and mopping here, a frantic round of packing there and I'm out the door at 6:45 p.m. After dropping off the keys to the next tenant, I make for Soekarno-Hatta and get there with 90 minutes to spare.

How am I posting, then? Funny you should ask. After anticipating a 10:05 p.m. takeoff, we're told that the Korean Airlines jet is delayed in Incheon because of stormy weather and will now take off from Jakarta at 1:05 a.m. This handy bit of information landed in my inbox at 11 p.m. -- thanks, Korean Air. Come midnight, though, we get word that the plane won't get here until 5:30 a.m., and now that's been pushed back to 7:30 a.m. Assuming the jet actually gets here and isn't crippled by this apparent Storm of the Century, we should get to Incheon at about 4:30 p.m. local time -- ample cushion to make my 8:50 p.m. connection to Las Vegas. So much for that ginormous 13-hour layover and getting to chill in the Korean Airlines suite.

What burns me most is dashing off in such a hurry for no reason. All my books save three are still at the apartment, as are my collection of press passes (which I should really toss out anyway) and half a box of Pop Tarts (which leaving unfinished is tantamount to renouncing one's American citizenship). I have arrangements in place for the books to be shipped; the Pop Tarts, notsomuch. And on top of all this, I have assignments in my new college courses that are due today. What fun.

One of these days I'll figure out how to pack up, move and travel without having to leave behind large swathes of my possessions or driving myself bug-nutty. And on that day, Tatooine will freeze over.

UPDATE: Yeah. We left Jakarta at 7:20 a.m. on Wednesday (nine hours later than planned) and pulled into Incheon at about 4:30 p.m. local time. Grab dinner and hop on the plan to Vegas, right? Not with the way this trip is going. Almost every other Korean Airlines flight today was pushed back multiple hours, so my 8:50 p.m. flight is now a 2 a.m. redeye. That will put me in Las Vegas at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday at the earliest -- just enough time to catch a cab, pour myself into bed and be up for the final leg on Southwest the following afternoon. Fortunately, being a Las Vegas institution, the South Point lets you check in as late as 1 a.m.

Oh, and I haven't slept more than five or six hours total since Monday. It's a good thing I don't have to do anything important at my brother's wedding on Sunday as the lack of sleep and jet lag are going to leave me utterly useless.

Become one with the madness

Many barrels of ink and oodles of bandwidth have been spilled bemoaning the chaotic state of Indonesian football. For all that time and energy spent kvetching, though, precious little progress has been made in breaking the lengthy deadlock.

Recent developments offer little hope for a solution. The Indonesian Super League intends to restart despite talks to establish a single top flight, ISL stars who answered call-ups by the Merah Putih have been punished by their clubs and the Indonesian Football Savior Committee (KPSI) plans to establish its own national team. Discord seems to be the status quo.

But perhaps we’re thinking about this the wrong way. The first law of quantitative economics states that “if a lot is good, more is better,” after all, so having twice as much football as other countries can only be a good thing.

Sure, it’s tempting to give in to frustration and demand FIFA finally follow through on its threat to ban Indonesia from international competition, but who does that really hurt? The ISL finished an entire season as a rebel league without any consequences, so FIFA sanctions would have little effect on it. The same cannot be said of the Indonesian Premier League, for which FIFA and Asian Football Confederation recognition are its only meaningful chips in the game.

Instead of continuing to gnash our teeth and rend our garments, let us embrace the chaos. The inertia that keeps the ISL and IPL separate is a boon to so many people. Just think of all the secretaries, assistants and mid-level functionaries who are still in a job thanks to these leagues’ refusal to compromise. Why won’t those job-killers at FIFA think of the mid-level functionaries?

It’s not just the people in the league offices. Twice as many leagues mean twice as many players, club staff and referees – even if receiving a monthly salary is at best a 50-50 proposition for said players and staff. Plus, twice as many roster spots to fill means the average Indonesian’s chances of becoming a professional footballer are twice as good. Why are those cultural imperialists at FIFA trying to crush the dreams of hard-working Indonesians?

Football’s sphere of economic influence spans so much further, though. Twice as many stadium rentals; twice as many security personnel; twice as many passengers for taxis, ojeks and buses; twice as many people selling “unofficial” merchandise at official events; twice as much football on TV to boost ratings – this is a central piece of the Indonesian economy we’re talking about here. Why are those greedheads at FIFA so eager to deprive this emerging economy of its rightful revenue?

Don’t think of this as another example of short-sighted gridlock. Instead, consider it a victory for the grand Indonesian tradition of dialogue ad nauseam. Last week, The Economist said of President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, “By doing very little, Indonesia’s president is doing fine.” Like Rome’s Fabius Maximus did to Hannibal of Carthage during the Second Punic War, Indonesia has a chance to bend FIFA to its will and continue reaping the economic benefits of more football as long as it continues to do as little as possible.

It’s not as though FIFA or the AFC have shown much interest in hurrying along the process. The only deadline in the memorandum of understanding signed in June by the KPSI, ISL and Indonesian Football Association (PSSI) involved holding a national congress by the end of this year, and even then it included no sanctions or method of punishment in the event of failure. If the continental and world football governing bodies can’t be bothered to show leadership or demand accountability, it’s no wonder Indonesia’s squabbling factions have found better things to do than fixing the rift in the sport in the months since signing the MoU.

So let’s learn to stop worrying and love the deadlock. Greet this impasse with the same benign resignation used when facing Indonesia’s increasingly traffic-choked streets. After all, having twice as much football can only benefit the people who really matter in this country – bureaucrats.

Make a joyful noise

What's it like to be in Jakarta now that Ramadan is over? It sounds a lot like this. I took that at 2:40 a.m., and the noise is still going. If you listen closely, you can hear the mosque across the alley, another of the neighborhood mosques, drumming and fireworks -- about the only thing missing is the motorcycles modified to be as noisy as possible.

EDIT: At last, a bit of peace and quiet. I can still hear some mosque's muezzin in the distance, but it's largely quiet here at 8 a.m. That was at least 12 hours of solid noise -- no doubt the Prophet is pleased.

Ladies: Stop getting yourselves raped

Cultural relativism is nice and all, but some things are just plain stupid. In response to a series of rapes and attempted sexual assaults on public transportation in Jakarta, Indonesia's women's empowerment minister has ... wait for it ... asked the ladies to take up martial arts!

Women need to learn martial arts to protect themselves against violent acts, according to Women’s Empowerment and Child Protection Minister Linda Amalia Sari Gumelar.

“The mastery of martial arts is necessary for women to escape dangerous situations,” she said in Jakarta on Wednesday.

Citing the recent rape and robbery attempts inside public transit, and numerous sexual assaults on Jakarta’s Angkot minibuses, Linda said women were often the target of violent attacks.

“Many female workers using public transport to return home late at night become victims of assault,” she explained. “Women are often seen as weak, so they become sitting ducks for criminals. Therefore, women must master martial arts in order to protect themselves.”

To paraphrase Zapp Brannigan: Madame Minister, what the hell? This is outrageous, and in a right-thinking country a government minister spouting this kind of bullshit would be looking for a job by sundown. This is the person in charge of overseeing the well-being of Indonesia's women and children?

Why place the extra burden on the women? It puts the onus on women not to get themselves raped, rather than on men not to do the raping; in short, it blames the victim. Such victim-shaming is a problem all over, and Indonesia is no exception. Look no further than the Big Durian, where Governor Fauzi Bowo helpfully suggested that women were being raped because they wore revealing clothes.

After a series of attacks on women by public transportation drivers, including the pack rape of a woman on her way home from work, Fauzi said miniskirts were inviting to rapists.

“You can imagine, if [a woman] wears a short skirt and sits next to the driver, it could be seen as inviting,” the governor said. “Wear sensible clothes, not ‘inviting’ clothes.”

He also had a similar message for women who take motorcycle taxis, or ojeks.

“If you ride on an ojek wearing short pants or a miniskirt, do not sit like a man,” Fauzi said. “If you sit sidesaddle, there will be no problem.”

(Incidentally, Fuzzy Bowwow is about nine points back in his re-election bid despite he and his campaign fomenting religious and ethnic hatred by telling Jakarta voters that they must vote for fellow Muslims or incur Allah's wrath. It's just a coincidence, I assume, that his opponent's running mate is a Christian and ethnically Chinese.)

How can people in positions of power continue to be so anti-woman and treat rape and sexual assault so blithely while still keeping their jobs? It's no wonder there's such a culture of impunity in this country when victims of crime are held equally culpable — if not more so — than the people who actually break the law.

System failure

Another day, another mind-numbing editorial from the Jakarta Globe. The scandal du jour is that business tycoon and presidential financier Siti Hartati Murdaya has been caught offering a Rp 2 billion ($212,000) bribe to secure a permit for her business. This is obviously embarrassing for Hartati, her business and the Democrats, especially as the latter is already dealing with enough graft scandals in its ranks.

What is more embarrassing — at least if you still believe in quaint notions like journalism — is the Globe's mewling apologetics. Rather than affix any blame to Hartati, the brain trust at Globe Towers would rather use its editorial to fault "the system" and repeat its endless call for nebulous "reform."

Don't Blame Hartati; It's the System's Fault
The announcement of Siti Hartati Murdaya as a corruption suspect by the Corruption Eradication Commission is a sad day for the business community and for the country.

Hartati has been named a suspect by antigraft investigators amid allegations that she ordered the payment of a Rp 2 billion ($212,000) bribe for Amran Batalipu, the head of Buol district in Central Sulawesi, in exchange for a palm oil plantation permit.

It cannot be denied that Hartarti is not the only business owner who has offered a bribe for a license to establish a business. Talk to any business owner who has had to deal with regional or local government leaders and chances are they will have a similar tale to tell.

Unfortunately, this is how the system works in this country and it urgently needs to be reformed. It is common practice for regional bureaucrats to demand such payments from business owners. Yes, some business owners are not angels, and some occasionally find ways to avoid the law. However, it is equally true that business owners are victims of the system and have no choice but to comply if they want their businesses to proceed.

Corruption is a cancer that is eating away the soul of this country. But unless the entire system is overhauled, we will not conquer it and innocents like Hartarti will be ensnared in its web.

We hope investigators will conduct a thorough probe into this matter and allow the Indonesian public to view all the facts. We call on the authorities to also ensure that the recipients of the alleged bribe are also brought to justice.

What Hartarti allegedly did is against the law, but she has also contributed enormously to social causes and helped underprivileged Indonesians through her generous charitable works. This should not be discounted in the investigation.

I'd ask if the Globe was the least bit embarrassed by running something so cloying — "business owners are victims," "no choice to comply," "innocents like Hartati" — but after its slapstick denouncements of pornography and Lady Gaga, defending a corruption suspect is almost genteel.

(Fun fact: Corruption, narcotics offenses and terrorism are considered "extraordinary crimes" in Indonesia. Murder? Notsomuch.)

The Democrats, as ever, can't decide whether to stand by their own or disown the accused to save the party (not that there's much party to save). All this despite Hartati initially expecting people to believe that her bribe was a "donation" and asking: "Do I look like someone who would bribe?" Now we have the House of Representatives speaker Marzuki Alie — also a Democrat — saying that Hartati was "forced" to offer a bribe. I don't recall anyone holding a gun to her head or threatening her family, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Wouldn't such a philanthropist and champion of the poor taking her complaint about corruption to the anti-graft authorities carry far more weight and leave her in a better light than where she finds herself now?

Of course, Marzuki wouldn't just offer up such claims without sound logic behind them.

“Why don’t you ask her [Hartati]? As far as I know, businesspeople are usually stingy. They wouldn’t give any money unless they really had to,” he told reporters in Jakarta.

Can't argue with that.

Brush(wood) with greatness

It's rare for me to walk away from an interview more energized than I was when it started. That's not to suggest that the people I talk to are boring -- rather, it's just that after so many years and so many interviews, it takes someone (or something) truly engaging to pique my interest.

I am fortunate to have done a few such interviews during my time in Jakarta. I had an extended phone conversation with Therese Shechter on the subject of virginity and its place in society, and I've had several chances to talk with grassroots football expert Tom Byer before, during and after his attempt to bring his technique training program to Indonesia (while that fell through, an even bigger project to secure hosting rights for the FIFA Under-17 World Cup might just succeed in spite of the ongoing infighting).

Today, I had the chance to speak with someone I already knew fairly well (albeit in a one-sided way) but had yet to meet in person: Brian Brushwood, who was in town for Mahakarya Magician 2012, a huge magic show. He was every bit as fun and engaging as I'd hoped, and I'm glad I made the effort meet him before he left Jakarta and flew back to the States. Having the chance to meet people like Brian is one of my favorite aspects of journalism and one of the things I'll miss most when I'm out of the business.

It was so much fun, I even set aside one of my main rules and got a picture with him (it helps that he and my dad are well-acquainted). Tom Osborne? Nope. David Seaman? Sorry. Brian Brushwood? Damn skippy.

In case you're wondering, I'm the fat one.

Healthy hypocrisy

Who doesn't love a good presidential gaffe? Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono has two more years to revel in his status as Indonesia's lame-duck president, and it appears he intends to spend those years much like the rest of his time in office -- issuing toothless, out-of-touch directives while leaving the populace shaking their heads and wondering how such an ineffectual ninny got elected to the highest office in the land.

SBY's latest exercise in Not Getting It came this past week when he told his fellow Indonesians to stop seeking medical treatment abroad. While such an admonishment likely raised a few eyebrows among the estimated 600,000 Indonesians who spend $1.2 in so-called "medical tourism" each year, it was at least in keeping with his previous rhetoric. He said last July that he had always sought medical check-ups in Indonesia, adding that the quality of the country's hospitals and doctors was "something to be proud of."

It should come as no surprise, though, that the president is just as susceptible to the "do as I say, don't do as I do" syndrome that is so prevalent among Indonesia's elite. It turns out SBY has sought medical treatment abroad, with confirmation coming from the former head of the president's medical team and the Kuala Lumpur hospital, which brags on its website about SBY being a "regular customer" and that 60 percent of its medical tourists come from Indonesia.

Such privilege also extends to SBY's family, with first lady Ani Yudhoyono traveling to Pittsburgh for neck surgery that the president himself claimed could not be performed in Indonesia. Even the long arm of the law isn't enough to keep well-to-do Indonesians in the country, with the likes of graft convicts Muhammad Nazaruddin, Nunun Nurbaetie and others seeking treatment abroad for sometimes dubious (and sometimes legitimate) health concerns despite the protestations of law enforcers. Fleeing to Singapore seems to be a consistent theme among persons of interest in Indonesia, a fact that definitely has nothing whatsoever to do with the Indonesian legislature still refusing to ratify an extradition treaty it signed with its neighbor in 2007. After all, only a fool and a communist would see a link between that and Indonesian corruption suspects (an increasing number of whom are lawmakers) using Singapore as a convenient place to stash their assets and themselves.

But what about those who don't have the means to seek treatment abroad? Roadshows by Singapore doctors won't have much effect on the vast swath of the Indonesian populace that still lives on less than $2 a day, and the options available to the average Indonesian don't make for pretty reading. Less than half the 1,523 hospitals in the country can pass government certification standards. There is huge demand for doctors, but the level of trust in them is lacking and one does not need to search far for horror stories of medical malpractice here. While politicians furrow their brows and bicker about building more hospitals or undertaking reforms to benefit the overall public health, the poor and the desperate take matters into their own hands by using odd and sometimes dangerous pseudoscience such as "railway therapy" -- laying down on railroad tracks in the belief that electrical energy emanating from the tracks will improve their blood circulation and cure all sorts of ailments.

Even if it's not quite a paradox, it's odd nonetheless. Governments at every level are increasingly willing to provide free health care and education to the poor, placing further burdens on state coffers already strained by skyrocketing spending on fuel subsidies. Meanwhile, the well-off send their children abroad to study and spend hundreds of millions of dollars seeking VIP health care overseas. To restrict the elite's ability to do either of those would be self-defeating and needlessly intrusive, of course, but how sustainable is a system where the rich can (and do) opt out and the rest are left choosing between a bunch of unappealing options? Difficult decisions must be made as Indonesia tries to reform and modernize its services, and it's hard to see that kind of bold, far-sighted leadership coming from a regime that is so willing to call upon the people to make sacrifices it won't make itself.

You are watching Halal TV

Allowing an unelected, religiously motivated group to regulate the media because there is a "similarity" with food? Brilliant! I don't see how this could possibly end up being abused or twisted. Translated from state news agency Antara:

Television shows to be broadcast in West Java are set to be stamped with the halal seal from the country’s highest Islamic authority, part of a plan to ensure “decent” programming for viewers.

Neneng Athiatul, chairwoman of the West Java Broadcasting Commission (KPID), said on Tuesday that her office was working on the halal certification with the provincial chapter of the Indonesian Council of Ulema (MUI).

“The Broadcasting Law states that all programming must respect religious values, so that’s why we believe that implementing halal certification for TV broadcasts is feasible,” she said.

Under the plan by the KPID and the MUI, only “decent” television shows that do not feature themes or images “violating norms” will get the halal stamp.

Neneng claimed this was to ensure that viewers were protected from programming that “could destroy their morals or violate decency standards.”

Salim Umar, head of the fatwa, or edict, commission at the MUI’s West Java branch, insisted the principle of awarding halal status to a TV program was the same as that for branding food as halal.

“There’s a similarity between food that is consumed by the body and [TV] programs that are consumed by the spirit,” he said. 

“Halal [methods] that are used for food can also be implemented for television programs.”

The move is the latest in ongoing efforts by Indonesian officials to regulate morality in the media and in daily life.

Earlier this year, police refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga’s already sold-out Jakarta concert, citing alleged concerns about her moral stance.

Small wonder

You know that quaint legal idea of not being able to profit from one's crimes? It hasn't quite caught on here in Indonesia.

A brief from today's Jakarta Globe:

A court in East Kalimantan has sentenced Abdul Hafid Ahmad, the former head of Nunukan district, to two years in prison and fined him Rp 50 million ($5,300) for embezzling Rp 7 billion from the 2004-05 district budget.

The sentence on Monday from the Anti-Corruption Court in Samarinda, the provincial capital, was substanitally lower than the six years and Rp 200 million fine sought by prosecutors.

A demand for him to repay the Rp 7 billion was also turned down, with the court ruling that there was “no proof that Hafid had enjoyed the money.”

After the ruling, Hafid insisted he was innocent and said he would appeal.

In case you're keeping score at home, this guy has to pay $5,300 and spend two years in the clink — which will inevitably be reduced on appeal — but gets to keep the $740,000 he skimmed from the district budget because the prosecution couldn't prove he "enjoyed" it. Small wonder people are so skittish about taking their chances with the Indonesian legal system.

The reason it's a brief rather than a front-page story on an egregious miscarriage of justice is because graft convicts are regularly fined a fraction of the amount they skimmed off for themselves. More often than not, they're not obliged by the courts to return their ill-gotten gains, either. Small wonder Indonesia is one of the countries where graft is most associated with the cost of doing business.

Not that those tasked with enforcing the country's laws are doing themselves any favors. When mayors and district heads can ignore rulings by the Supreme Court and the police can be cowed by the mere threat of violence by religious thugs, small wonder people question how much weight the rule of law really carries in Indonesia.

Another false dawn?

Sitting around tables. Engaging in dialogue. Signing memorandums of understanding. Holding news conferences to announce the aforementioned dialogue and releasing statements saying the details will be hammered out later. If Indonesia's business class has mastered anything, it's the art of Doing Something without actually doing anything.

The latest twist in the long-running saga of the fight to control Indonesian football is an apparent peace deal between the Indonesian Football Association (PSSI) and the Indonesian Football Savior Committee (KPSI). The deal -- overseen by world governing body FIFA and the Asian Football Confederation -- aims to end more than two years of internal power struggles, and the announcement of the MoU brought much back-slapping and high-minded talk of working in the best interest of the sport. The highlights are that it 1) requires the reinstatement of the four former PSSI executive committee members who resigned to form the KPSI; 2) brings the Indonesian Super League under the PSSI's jurisdiction but allows it to finish its season operating autonomously; 3) dissolves the KPSI as a governing body; 4) establishes a joint committee (half PSSI, half KPSI) to create a new top-tier league "as soon as possible" and review the PSSI statutes; and 5) requires a new PSSI congress before the end of the year.

Granted, even getting the two groups to sit down together is a minor victory given the chilly reception attempts at reconciliation talks received. As anyone paying the slightest bit of attention can tell, though, the issues plaguing Indonesia's favorite sport run far deeper and are more complex than can be rectified by a few gabfests and a new committee. There are underlying, fundamental questions that must be answered before any meaningful reform can emerge. (Sound familiar?)

The things we print

As an expat, and especially as an expat journalist, it is incumbent upon me to learn about the social mores of my country of residence and adjust my expectations and understanding. I like to think I've done a reasonable job of adapting and blending in, or at least as much as a big, hairy bule can in Indonesia.

That said, sometimes bullshit is just bullshit. Every so often, an article comes across the copy desk whose subject matter makes my eyes start twitching again. There is an understanding on the copy desk that local reporters will sometimes tend toward credulity, not asking follow-up questions or poking at a statement that doesn't pass the smell test out of either a deference to authority or a sheer lack of time. These aren't much fun to edit but are often salvageable.

Then there are articles that are just plain bullshit from soup to nuts. We've had our fair share at Globe Towers — from asking feng shui masters and fortune tellers to predict the events of 2012 to profiling spiritual consultants, shamans and a guy who is so close to Allah he can pray away the rain. We've had woo-tacular health stories about acupressure and a "healer" who says he can cure breast cancer with leeches. Seriously.

This week brought a whopper of unprecedented depths. It was on an "aesthetic wellness clinic" with a handful of entertainers singing the praises of homeopathic remedies and other pseudoscience. Homeopathy, let's remember, has yet to show any efficacy past a placebo effect and is based on the principle of water "remembering" what was once in it. The article also quotes the doctor — of what, I shudder to think — pushing various dubious-sounding remedies, including one that "eliminates free radicals from the body and heals many chronic illnesses, such as cancer." [Emphasis mine — ed.]

Then there was this passage, which was just ... ick.

Indonesian singer Marini said she also maintains her excellent physical condition by visiting the clinic.

“I’m so lucky to have come across Nano Philosophy last year,” she said. “The clinic has helped me look and feel good since then.”

The 65-year-old had previously struggled with constipation that led to severe bloating, lethargy and dull facial skin.

“The doctor treated me with Nano cocktails and organic juices,” she said. “After three treatments, I can move my bowels regularly. I’ve never felt so good in my life. My friends also said my skin looks smoother and more supple.”

I raged against this story for hours, though obviously to no avail. At the very least, I did manage to work the word "claims" into the sentence "Homeopathy is a form of alternative medicine that assists the body’s natural tendency to heal itself."

We also managed to cut this bit thanks to a space crunch. Pills that give you a six-pack, beat depression, quit smoking and get over a breakup? Where do I sign?!?

“The pills improve my metabolism and make my body leaner,” said Chicco. “I now have a six-pack [abs].” 

Nano Philosophy has a wide range of homeopathic treatments for hormonal imbalance, joint pain, nerve pain and depression.

“For Chicco, we used a cocktail made of laminaria [brown algae] that destroys fat buildup and excretes them through his lymphatic system,” Muliana said.

The clinic also prescribes homeopathic pills for reducing stress, quitting smoking or even getting over a bad breakup. 

“The lovesick remedy is usually prescribed after a relationship breakup or a sudden bereavement,” Muliana said. “It enhances the mood and energizes patients to continue their lives.”

The pills are taken twice daily, in the morning and at night. Muliana would not say how much they cost.

You know what they call alternative medicine that's proven to work? Medicine.